Today has been a rough one.
I am starting to think this may have been a bad week to do this. I seemingly have very little tolerance for incompetancy and laziness. I didn’t want all my posts to be negative or seemingly about work related issues… but…geeze it is where a lot of us spend the majority of our lives isn’t it? I used to love mine. I really did at one time. Currently, I am falling out of love with it.
Either my growth is bringing me to this point or maybe after 10 years I have just had enough. In relation to my Fear focus this week, I think I can sum up all my fears in my micro world here at work.
Today I feel like I am jumping ahead and piling all my fears that pop into my head into one day, all in the name of work.
Fears I relate to work
Not being good enough
Not knowing enough
Not living up to expectations
Being taken advantage of
Being left behind
Being forgotten about
Not making a difference
Being left out
Not being respected
Being laughed at
How do these fears effect my work, at least from my perspective.
I over extend myself. I worry too much about pleasing others. I fix things. I am abrupt. I hold things in until they can no longer be contained. I am aggressive. I am passive. I am both of those but not usually together like passive aggressive.
How I believe you should be at work.
Speak your mind
Don’t be afraid to make a mistake
Take pride in what you do
I believe in working hard
Now for my analysis
1) Fear: For some reason in this life time, at this time in my life I seem to
have forgotten actually I honestly seem to be aftaid to live for me.
2) Alternate response: Stop. Accept myself and realize only I can really give myself away.
3) Rational or Irrational? Totally irrational. Obviously irrational, but I honestly don’t know where I am going right now. I know if your reading this your thinking…wow, she has gone off the deep end. I haven’t. Rational me is still very much here.
4) My take on the fear and the signs that signal this fear in the future: I have said that I am a dual person…I have even said a triple person. When really I believe I am a chameleon. I am what and who ever you want me to be for the most part (always with a sprinkling of me splattered in the mix). I have always felt this trait of mine was a good one. It has helped me to be compasionate, empathetic, strong and capable in many different situations. I still think it is a wonderful trait to have. I do see that it is also a liability if at some point along the way you forget to be more you than the make believe, make everyone happy you. Otherwise what happens is you forget little by little who the true you is. It never goes away mind you, it just gets used to taking the back seat, and when you end up calling upon it, its presence is not as sure or strong. Potentially making you believe you are lost and all alone. Depleting us of our power and the control of your feelings.
Acceptance isn’t everything…unless it’s the acceptance of oneself, then it’s not just everything but the only thing.
The one thing that I really need to remember is, that no matter how out of control or out of the mix I feel, only I can give myself away. If ever, or should I say when I start to feel that way, then I need to stop myself and realize that only by allowing it, does it really happen or only then does it feel real.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.